How my time off has helped me

It’s been 3 weeks since I lost my job (and another week till I start it again) and I haven’t done much with them, I think I needed that time to be with myself alone in a space and realize where I stand.  Doesn’t entirely make sense to even me so don’t worry about it.  But Something is starting to happen slowly to me, I’m starting to get restless and frustrated with myself.  When I was little and anything was possible I had so many things I wanted to do, so many avenues of interest, all of which seemed viable and accessible.  It’s only other people telling me I couldn’t do things or that it wouldn’t be prudent or realistic to do them that turned me into this practical, logical, boring, square person.  There is still an artist in me.  There is still a lifelong student that hungers for language and art and science and literature and culture and fun and music and dancing and foods and lights, colors, shapes, feelings, tastes, sounds….

She is still here, I am still here.  I was hidden for so long by these feelings of worry for the future.  By the pressures of society and the student’s timeline that is suddenly thrust upon young people, when they may not be ready for it.  I chose an avenue, and feeling that I must complete it, did not stray.  But I traveled down that avenue unprepared.  Too well prepared for a different avenue of academics and credentials and did not see the potential of the artistic and freeing environment that laid around me waiting to be explored and trusted.  I was blind to the opportunities to change that were right in front of me, because of fear.  Uncertainty, self doubt, self pity, disillusionment, being left behind, left out, ignored, looked over.  I have grown, I have always grown, and now is no different.  It is one thing to recognize the stumbling blocks that once held you up and another to be preoccupied by them.  

Recently, that pragmatic logical Me has been frustrated and angry that I seem to jump from one interest to the next, not able to decide on one thing.  I’m starting to realize that this is something to cherish and nurture and embrace.  I may never be a “successful career woman” but that’s ok.  I am ok.  In this world full of horrible poverty and violence and sadness and suffering I have no right to complain.  There are still things I wish I had, but none that are material.  The fact that a part of me does not immediately turn away from the recent idea of putting it all aside and doing something big, BIG, is exciting.  The person who for the last 3 years has stressed and worried and agonized over what to do next and where she went wrong is starting to forgive the powers that be and let life happen the way it wants.  I am ok.  Things will always be ok, even when they are not.  I can stop being afraid, it’s ok to live without knowing the next step.  In a way, I think it must be easier to put aside all of the “stuff” we obsess over and just focus on what’s important.  Relationships, friends, family, enjoyment, laughter, smiling, giving, eating, creating, seeing, and just being.  

If anything, these few weeks have shown me how much I need to be around people, how much I crave human (and animal) company.  I am a puzzle even to myself, because I am introverted but need people around.  I still find it hard to engage strangers with confidence, and even acquaintances and friends sometimes, with the enthusiasm and warmth that I really feel.  Perhaps for the fear of driving people away, or even the fear of what will happen if I do draw them in closer.  

There is a breaking point coming.  There is something building with a momentum that I don’t want to stop.  It is scary and exciting and freeing and scary and fills me with hope.  I’m DONE saying I can’t.  I’m DONE saying I shouldn’t.  I’m DONE feeling sorry for myself and I’m DONE with all the guilt and shame.  It’s ok to be lost.  It’s ok to be unsure.  It means I’m not willing to settle.  It means that I still believe deep down that this life has more to offer me than a steady paycheck.  It means that if I let this momentum continue, I could start to be the person who is not afraid to be herself anymore, not afraid to show herself, not afraid to let people in (ok, still working on that) not afraid to look at what life really has to offer.  I have been asleep for too long.  It’s time to wake up.  It’s time to yell in public, smile at strangers, be ok with my fat and my boobs and my hair and eat chocolate and indulge in the good things in life.  I’m done focusing on the responsible thing, I want to start focusing on what makes me happy.  Not just financially secure or safe, but truly happy in my soul and inner being.  I want to change that stubborn part of my brain that thinks it needs a relationship to be truly whole.  I want to be ok with being myself for a while.  I want to live, dammit.  I want to see the world, I want to experience everything life has to offer and I want to give something back to this world.  I was meant for more than 9 to 5.  I have so much to do and now I have the self permission to go start doing it.  

It starts now, today.  12:01 AM.  I am still here.  The kid who wanted to be an animator, to work with dolphins and elephants and gorillas, to work at Disney World, to travel the world, to see animals in the wild, the kid who wanted moon shoes so she could feel like she was flying, the kid who yelled along with Pee Wee cause she was tired of quiet, the kid who saw herself in Kermit and Fozzie and Gonzo, the kid who learned what comedy was from Bugs Bunny and never stopped laughing.  I’m still here.  I just got lost for a while.  But I’m back.  Are you ready world?

Jim Carrey and his magical year

Since I was very small, I have loved comedy.  I have followed many comedians and their work with wonder and fascination.  Some are funnier than others; some reach me more than others.  Very few comedians make me laugh as much as Jim Carrey.  He’s one of those people who you either love or hate.  He either gets on your nerves or everything he says or does makes you fall over laughing.  He has proven that he’s a wonderful dramatic actor as well in films like The Truman Show and (the AMAZING) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  However, where he really shines is in his earliest films, specifically in 1994.  The three films he made in that year, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber, were some of the funniest movies I have ever seen and are just as funny today.

The film that made Jim Carrey a huge star was Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.  His explosive energy and crazy antics were like a hurricane on screen that a lot of people didn’t know how to handle.  This is where the “Love him or hate him” thing comes into play.  Either you were quick enough to just about get what he was doing and follow along or you saw him as a certifiable lunatic and switched off.  While I can see both points of view, I loved his brand of mad humor.  It’s oh so stupid but, like all of Jim Carrey’s characters, he had real heart driving everything he did.  Even in Ace Ventura, where you sometimes watch Carrey and think “He’s GOT to be on SOMETHING”, there’s a spark in his eyes that lets you know that this is all in fun and he knows exactly what he’s doing.  The fact that Ace Ventura was smart but still over the top goofy was a unique combination that kept you guessing.  Kids love it because it’s silly and base humor abounds.  Adults love it because it’s just so damn funny.

My all time favorite Jim Carrey movie is The Mask.  This movie is in my top 5 favorite movies.  It has so much going for it: an amazing script, art design to die for, Jim Carrey being both insane and endearing, and the entire thing is pretty much a love letter to Looney Tunes and the cartoons of the 40’s and 50’s.  Stanley Ipkiss, (“a little repressed and a hopeless romantic”) is an everyday nice guy with a hidden goofy side.  When he finds a magical mask and puts it on, he becomes “a love-crazy wild man”.  The mask brings out your basest desires and fantasies and lets you become them or bring them to life.  That concept has always fascinated me and I feel like they barely scratched the surface of the potential stories it could provide.  (The ridiculously crappy sequel “Son of the Mask” made in 2005 is not what I had in mind.)  The glue that holds this whole movie together is Jim Carrey.  The fact that you can see Stanley behind everything the Mask does, and vice versa, makes them both so endearing that you are behind him (them?) the entire way.  We get to see the craziness of rubber-man Jim Carrey as the mask, but also the sweetheart side as Stanley Ipkiss.  It just works.  

To me there is a big difference between stupid dumb humor and smart dumb humor.  For example, stupid dumb is movies like Jackass, stupid for stupid’s sake.  Smart dumb humor can be summed up perfectly with Dumb and Dumber.  I like when you have to understand why something is funny for it to be funny.  Besides the airtight script, what makes this movie so enjoyable is the relationship between Lloyd, Carrey’s character, and Harry, played hilariously by Jeff Daniels.  Martin Scorsese, after seeing the film, called it the best representation of real friendship he’d ever seen.  While it may be impossible to tell who’s Dumb and who’s Dumber, there’s no question that Harry and Lloyd were made for each other.  The same thing that makes me love The Mask makes me love Dumb and Dumber; Carrey’s characters have so much heart that you can’t help but love them.

 

There’s something wonderful about watching someone who genuinely loves what they do.  When you watch Jim Carrey, especially in movies like these, it’s a joy to watch that spark in his eyes and that dedicated heart that makes those characters last forever.  It seems lately he's been trying to get back to his comedy roots.  I say more power to him, and I hope to see some more classics from him in the years to come.

Why Life is Like an Adventure Game

Life is like an adventure game.  No really, it is.  You know how in the beginning of a game you’re given this big task that you have to complete and it’s basically the underlying plot of the whole game?  “You must save the La-dee-dah Princess of Blah Dee Blah from the Sinister Herp-Derp of Evil Thingers.”  Sure.  Great.  Let’s do it!   But then you start playing and Mr. Shopkeep wants you to do this for him, old hag in disguise wants you to do that, and before you know it you’ve been playing for 12 straight hours and are seemingly no closer to Princess Sparkly-toes or whatever her name was. Granted, you’ve been having a pretty good time, since you (hopefully) play adventure games not for their magnificent (yea, ok) plots but for their challenging puzzles and the “journey” as it were.  

The adventure game of my life has been pretty straight-forward.  I have an ultimate goal and a number of side goals that I feel would make my life more meaningful until the time when I reach my final goal.  Because I wouldn’t get very far in life if all I focused on was that ultimate goal, when I don’t yet have everything I need to get there.  Things always end up keeping me busy or taking up time.  “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”  Mr. Shopkeep wants me to do this for him, Old hag (not in disguise, cause we’re in reality now) wants me to do that.  Here I am, nearly 26 years old, and what do I have to show for my work?  No closer (seemingly) to that ultimate goal, but oh the things I have done so far!  I have slayed the dragon of unemployment, traversed across the mountains of self doubt, bested fate in a chess game to end all chess games, and come out (almost) unscathed.  So where’s the pot of gold?  How do you finish the game?  Do you just keep doing mindless tasks and combining arbitrary objects until you have suddenly created the most useful tool EVER that no one ever though they would need?  Keep distracting yourself with little things, always trying to keep something on the To Do list above Agenda #1?  Often our ultimate goals are not something we can work towards, they are something that we someday hope will come to us, but we cannot pursue them or even see any steps we can take to get us closer to them.

Unfortunately there are no cheat codes or walkthroughs for the game of Real Life.  We just have to keep wandering from screen to screen hoping that something pops out at us that we didn’t notice before, keep trying different combinations until finally, hopefully, something breaks and the path becomes clear.  That piece of chewed gum you picked up in the first level may be just the tool you need in the last minute.  You just never know.  I’ve got my menial tasks to keep me busy, plenty of them.  The everyday ups and downs of simply surviving are enough to keep anyone busy for a lifetime.  The trick is to keep that goal in sight so that when opportunity rears its head, like the proverbial “Cutscene to Act 3”, we will be ready to forge on.  Here’s to eventually winning the game of life.

Living the Dream

If someone had asked me 10 years ago (when I was a sophomore in High School) what I wanted to be doing at this point in my life, I would have told them I wanted to be in Disney.  I’ve always loved Disney.  I was raised on the movies, visited Walt Disney World for the first time when I was 7 years old, and had always spent my daydreaming time wishing I was back in that magical place where anything was possible and the fun never stopped.  In high school I would spend my time copying drawings of Disney characters, hoping to someday be a Disney animator.  I followed that dream to an art college, where life led me to film instead of animation after I realized that drawing was not my passion.  I still never lost my love for Disney, in fact it only got stronger, and I ventured down to Florida to take part in the College Program in 2005.  While it wasn’t exactly the dream experience I had hoped it would be, it still didn’t dampen my love for everything Disney stands for in my eyes.  

After graduating college, I looked for work in NYC as a film editor for a year with no results.  Realizing that the film industry without Disney was not somewhere I wanted to be, I changed directions.  In fact I made a 180 degree turn as I enrolled in Massage Therapy school.  I figured that while I was figuring out my next step that this would pay the bills.  Instead, it turned into my golden ticket.  I got jobs at local spas and soon realized that I could do this job anywhere.  Anywhere including Disney World.  I had never been attached to New Jersey, where I grew up, at all, and I realized that this was my chance to go for it and live my dream.  I saved up, made my plans, and put all my ducks (a whole lot of ducks) in a row over this past year.  Two weeks ago I moved to an apartment right next door to the Walt Disney World Resort property, and one week after that, secured a massage therapy job in one of the Disney Resorts.  

I hadn’t realized how much I wanted this until I arrived and saw for myself just how well this life fits me.  The weather, the people, the local sights, and of course Disney being right next door all make this my own personal paradise.  I find myself awe-struck at least once a day at the sight of the clouds here; the skies seem to go on forever like giant abstract finger paintings.  Even the monster rainstorms have been a source of amusement for me.  Being used to the way it rains in New Jersey (the skies stay gray for a week and it drizzles depression the entire time) I have been reveling in the huge rainstorms that come and go so quickly.  And while it’s not always rainbows and sunshine (yesterday I killed my first cockroach with a now forever-bent Swiffer), I have been counting my blessings every day since I arrived.  Not only am I close to “Mecca”, but this is also my first apartment; I have been adjusting to the solitary life quite well.  To my great frustration, I have not gone to the parks yet; I’m waiting until I get my Cast Member ID access card (and getting mighty antsy).  Tomorrow is the big day when I officially become a Disney Cast member (again) and really begin my adventure.  For now, I’ve been relaxing and enjoying a short vacation from life.  

Just this morning, I lay swaying in a hammock on the sandy shore of the Seven Seas Lagoon.  A few joyful tears filled my eyes as I surveyed the scene before me.  There were kids playing in the cool sand as quiet waves lapped against the shore.  To my right, far off in the distance, the Magic Kingdom train whistle blew, just barely audible below the sound of the ferryboat arriving at the Polynesian Resort’s dock.  I stared up at the leaves of the palm trees holding me up, rocking back and forth in the tropical breeze, and I let those tears fall.  Because this is it.  This is the dream that I’ve worked toward for the past 10 years.   

I live three miles from Disney World, and for the first time in my life, I am home.