My Top 10 Pet Peeves in Massage Therapy

Like every job, massage therapy has its good points and its bad points.  It’s a wonderful way to make people feel better when they’re in pain, it’s a physical job that keeps me active, and sometimes you even get to meet interesting people when the odd client feels like striking up a conversation.  The good list goes on from there, but today I want to talk about some of the less than perfect things.  These are not complaints, but observations about the day to day occurrences in the world of massage therapy.  Sometimes they can really get to you, and other times you just have to laugh and go on with your day.  So here, now, are my Top Ten Pet Peeves as a Massage Therapist.

10- Are we there yet?

It’s almost inevitable.  You’ve started a wonderful massage, your client is most likely asleep, you have a good flow going, the lights are very low, and suddenly it hits you.  YOU’RE BORED.  You can’t talk or hum or go and do something interesting or even focus on something to ponder on in the room because it’s so dark.  All you can do is continue with your massage, which you can do with your eyes closed if you have to (we were trained that way).  You start to understand why the military punishes soldiers with solitary confinement, without even a rubix cube or magazine to pass the time sanely.  It’s unsettling sometimes to be in a dark room, doing a repetitive motion, not being able to make a sound, listening to music you’ve heard hundreds of times before, and having to deal with whatever thoughts pop into your mind at that moment.  If it’s funny, you can sometimes hurt yourself trying not to audibly laugh.  If it’s sad, you hope that your client is face down in case that stray tear should fall and they choose to open their eyes at that moment.  If it’s philosophical, then sometimes one internal question can be enough to keep your mind busy for the entire hour.  But sometimes… sometimes every second feels like a minute and every breath your client takes seems to last forever.  All you can do is wait it out.

9- I have been in this room for EVER

It doesn’t happen very often where I’m working now, but I used to have to do two hour massages more often and they were HELL.  I can’t explain why, but doing 3 one hour massages in a row is easier than doing a two hour long massage.  We therapists get used to a flow, a pattern, a certain schedule in massages and when you are suddenly asked to slow that down and double the length of the session, it drags and you get tired.  Throw in the aforementioned boredom factor and it feels like you’ve been working for days by the end of one of these bad boys.

8- If I hear that “Ohm” Lady ONE MORE TIME…

I like relaxing music.  I like New Age.  And I love classical.  In moderation.  I’m not one of those people that can tune out music until they can’t even hear it anymore.  If there’s music playing, I’m listening, often even studying it.  Hearing the same music every day, even if it’s on Shuffle can get exasperating sometimes.  To be fair, it doesn’t bother me as much now as it used to; perhaps I have learned to tune it out somewhat.  But then there’s always those few tracks that drive me bonkers for whatever reason and when they come on, I can suddenly focus on nothing else.  Suddenly I miss my days of working in the Disney Store…

7- Is it just me or is it hot in here?

It gets ridiculously hot in massage rooms.  In the winter it’s because the heat is on and being pumped into a room where it has nowhere to go.  In the summer, the AC can’t get into the rooms enough.  Add a near-boiling pot for hot stones, a table heater, and start actually doing the massage and it starts to feel like a sauna sometimes.  There are always the fans, but they can be pretty loud and annoying to clients.  If I start out a session without the fan on, turning it on during the massage makes the client doubly aware of the fan noise and they won’t fully relax.  Thank God for deodorant!

6- Stop moving and let me rub you!

“Helpers”: These are clients that feel like they need to help me do my massage.  When I tuck the sheet, they lift their leg, undoing what I just did and making it impossible to tuck the sheet. (You can’t tuck under something floating free in space).   When you massage their hands, they stick their fingers straight out, the opposite of being relaxed.  Another form of helpers are the people who think that every touch you make is a silent request for them to move a body part or do something for you.  When you start to gently move their arm, they whack you in the chest with it.  When you touch their neck, they fling it side to side or lift it up.  When someone is on my table, I don’t want them to do anything but relax and fall asleep.  If I need something, I will ask them.  I know the “helpers” are just trying to help, but it throws off my groove.  When someone won’t relax, it makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job.

5- Stop staring at me

Speaking of clients that won’t relax, every once in a while I’ll get a client that keeps their eyes open during the entire massage.  This drives me NUTS and it’s uber awkward.  If a client’s eyes are closed I can look at their face every once in a while to check if the pressure is ok by their expression or to see if they’re fully asleep.  When you look over and find that the client has their eyes wide open and are staring at the ceiling, or even worse, YOU, suddenly you’re wondering if they’re uncomfortable and why in God’s name they have to stare at you when you are rubbing them.  AWKWARD.  These people I just plain don’t understand.  If you’re that uncomfortable getting a massage, you shouldn’t be getting one.  If you are relaxed, then close your eyes.  Seriously.

4- Dude, you smell

Smelly people.  My least favorites are cigarette smoke and straight up B.O.  You are coming in to have someone massage 85% of your naked body.  TAKE A SHOWER AND LAY OFF THE CIGS.  You’re gross.  I don’t want to touch you, and I have to stop breathing when I get to your smoke filled hair or toxic feet.  ‘Nuff said.

3- Where’s the other half of my tip?

I will admit that before I became a massage therapist I never realized that people that normally get tips in their jobs are usually depending on them.  Now I know.  And now so do you.  The recommended tipping amounts are always posted.  Bad tippers never get the gold star for favorite client.  People who give no tip immediately go on the shit list.  Don’t let this be you.  “Tip well and often” is my newfound pearl of wisdom.

2- You made an appointment for a reason

Late people and no shows.  There’s no excuse.  I know people run late sometimes and that’s fine.  But to show up 10 or 15 minutes late for your appointment throws off my entire day sometimes.  If you’re that late, I usually don’t even want to work on you anymore, so sometimes it often affects what kind of massage you get. (Although I try not to let that happen)  And if you don’t even bother to show up or call, then there’s really no excuse.  You were called yesterday.  Now I don’t get paid and you don’t even care.  

1- Who do you think you are?

Nothing bothers me more than rude or bitchy clients.  There’s absolutely no reason for it, and I can usually tell that a person is going to be a problem after one sentence.  Maybe some people are rude to service personnel because it makes them feel superior.  Maybe they just feel like taking their miserableness out on someone else.  Maybe they’re just assholes.  None of these are good excuses.  I don’t want to work on you.  I don’t want to talk to you.  I don’t even want your money, but now that you’ve put me through that you’d better be ready to pay.  Nothing ruins my day like a bitchy client.

It probably sounds by now like I hate my job.  I don’t.  I love my coworkers and the job I do.  Every job has its downsides, and I try to laugh at it as much as possible. Yes, things will get to me every once in a while, but then a sweet client will come in or I’ll be able to help someone in pain and their thanks remind me of why I like my job.

The Write Stuff

In the past two months I've started so many new projects and have so many new goals to strive for that it hardly seems possible that I find myself wanting to add another one.  Yet here I sit, ready to set down another challenge for myself.  Here goes.


Starting New Years Day I decided that NOW was the time to make changes and do everything I needed to do to make the biggest change in my entire life finally happen.  So on January 2nd I printed up all the paperwork and began putting all the ducks in a row in order to get licensed in Florida for massage therapy.  My part in that just ended yesterday, and it's a pretty big weight off my shoulders.  I also joined a gym in January and gave myself the goal of losing 40-50 pounds by the time I leave for Florida, probably in June or July (or August or September).  I hired a personal trainer to give me a jump start and am now on a regular weight loss regimen.  So far I have lost 8 pounds, and I have good days and bad days.  I will never be one of those people to whom weight loss comes easy, and since I've always had a love affair with food, this past month and a half have been challenging in many ways.  It was also made plain to me recently that someone who I had believed I may have had a chance with for several years would never be more than a friend to me.

So that brings us to now.  Here I am, hungry for the desserts I will eternally crave, sore in places I previously hadn't used in years, still a little heartbroken over having lost someone I now realize was a symbol of hope for an eventual love-life, and one step closer to being ready to leave behind everything and everyone I know and hold dear in hopes of starting myself over and finding a place in this crazy, harsh, beautiful world. 

So what is this next new challenge that I thrust upon myself now?

I have been employed as a massage therapist now for 14 months.  In the beginning it was enjoyable, since it was new and my brain loves learning the nuances of getting something just right through practice and experience.  Now, however, I can do it by heart and without much thought.  That does not usually bode well for my brain.  The brain that would drift off after 3 minutes in math class, the brain that would rebel at boring television and instead create basement obstacle courses (which often led to parental shin injuries) (Ooo, good band name!).  The act of massaging itself is not boring, but being alone with your thoughts in the dark for an hour many times a day can get to feel like solitary confinement.  I don't dislike my job.  I am very lucky to be employed by the best boss I could hope for and be surrounded by coworkers that make it fun to be there.  But the physical work of massage is very hard on my body, and not at all demanding of my brain.  For me, I have learned, that is a very bad combination.  I don't mind hard work as long as my mind is occupied.  When I decided to go to massage school it was not out of a love for "healing" people or a wish to help my fellow man.  It was a way to make money after realizing that film was not going to work for me.  I never thought for a moment that it would become my life's new passion.  And it hasn't.  But lately I've been thinking more and more about the one passion I always ignored, I always pushed to the back of my mind for one reason or another, and that I could see myself enjoying for years to come if I could just get over that often paralyzing fear that I won't be any good.

Writing.

I know that's easy to say, when it's taken me two months to punch out a blog entry.  But sometimes life gets in your way or you end up lying to yourself or pushing something to the side because of fears or doubts.  And sometimes life decides that the time is right for something and won't let you think about anything else until you give in and listen to what your heart is telling you.  This is what my heart is telling me: I could be a damn good writer if I worked at it and stopped being afraid of failure so god-damned much.  So will I drop everything, develop a drinking problem, start smoking and decide I'm the next Hemingway?  No, that's not my style (and I'm not that dramatic). 

I recently had a friend give me a numerology reading (if that's the correct term for whatever she did).  I usually take those kinds of things with a grain of salt (which is interestingly one of the things she told me about myself), but some of what she revealed was frighteningly accurate.  So then where does that leave me but to take the other things she said slightly more seriously?  One of which was that whatever year I'm now in personally is a year of preparing for a big change, and that next year will be one of big changes.  (These years are going by my birthdate in August, not calendar years).  So I figure that if that's true; if this is a year of bettering myself in preparation for a complete new beginning, then why not learn all I can (along with the weight loss, gym, paperwork, traveling to look at apartments, interviews, packing, and everything else I've decided to delve into this year) about becoming a professional writer.  I don't expect to have a book published by next year, but I can start improving myself every day, little by little.

This is a scary thing to do, but I'm making a PROMISE (and those are scary to break) to post at least once a week on this blog.  Sometimes it will be writing exercises that don't make any sense, sometimes it will be rambling posts about whatever I feel like talking about out of the blue (ahem, too you long enough, thank you).  But I will write and I will post.  I make that promise to all two of you readers out there (I can't imagine there being any more), and if I break it, you have permission and I encourage you to berate me and call me a liar and throw things at me if you can find me.

Starting today I stop wondering what could have been, I stop wallowing in self doubt (well for today anyway), I try my best not to focus on the things I don't have and start focusing on the things that I can do for myself while I'm young, alive, and free.  Because I may not have anyone to come home to, I may not be a sparkling socialite, or be able to comfortably make eye contact with attractive strangers,  but dammit I can WRITE like nobody's business.  And that's something that I DO have.