It’s been 3 weeks since I lost my job (and another week till I start it again) and I haven’t done much with them, I think I needed that time to be with myself alone in a space and realize where I stand. Doesn’t entirely make sense to even me so don’t worry about it. But Something is starting to happen slowly to me, I’m starting to get restless and frustrated with myself. When I was little and anything was possible I had so many things I wanted to do, so many avenues of interest, all of which seemed viable and accessible. It’s only other people telling me I couldn’t do things or that it wouldn’t be prudent or realistic to do them that turned me into this practical, logical, boring, square person. There is still an artist in me. There is still a lifelong student that hungers for language and art and science and literature and culture and fun and music and dancing and foods and lights, colors, shapes, feelings, tastes, sounds….
She is still here, I am still here. I was hidden for so long by these feelings of worry for the future. By the pressures of society and the student’s timeline that is suddenly thrust upon young people, when they may not be ready for it. I chose an avenue, and feeling that I must complete it, did not stray. But I traveled down that avenue unprepared. Too well prepared for a different avenue of academics and credentials and did not see the potential of the artistic and freeing environment that laid around me waiting to be explored and trusted. I was blind to the opportunities to change that were right in front of me, because of fear. Uncertainty, self doubt, self pity, disillusionment, being left behind, left out, ignored, looked over. I have grown, I have always grown, and now is no different. It is one thing to recognize the stumbling blocks that once held you up and another to be preoccupied by them.
Recently, that pragmatic logical Me has been frustrated and angry that I seem to jump from one interest to the next, not able to decide on one thing. I’m starting to realize that this is something to cherish and nurture and embrace. I may never be a “successful career woman” but that’s ok. I am ok. In this world full of horrible poverty and violence and sadness and suffering I have no right to complain. There are still things I wish I had, but none that are material. The fact that a part of me does not immediately turn away from the recent idea of putting it all aside and doing something big, BIG, is exciting. The person who for the last 3 years has stressed and worried and agonized over what to do next and where she went wrong is starting to forgive the powers that be and let life happen the way it wants. I am ok. Things will always be ok, even when they are not. I can stop being afraid, it’s ok to live without knowing the next step. In a way, I think it must be easier to put aside all of the “stuff” we obsess over and just focus on what’s important. Relationships, friends, family, enjoyment, laughter, smiling, giving, eating, creating, seeing, and just being.
If anything, these few weeks have shown me how much I need to be around people, how much I crave human (and animal) company. I am a puzzle even to myself, because I am introverted but need people around. I still find it hard to engage strangers with confidence, and even acquaintances and friends sometimes, with the enthusiasm and warmth that I really feel. Perhaps for the fear of driving people away, or even the fear of what will happen if I do draw them in closer.
There is a breaking point coming. There is something building with a momentum that I don’t want to stop. It is scary and exciting and freeing and scary and fills me with hope. I’m DONE saying I can’t. I’m DONE saying I shouldn’t. I’m DONE feeling sorry for myself and I’m DONE with all the guilt and shame. It’s ok to be lost. It’s ok to be unsure. It means I’m not willing to settle. It means that I still believe deep down that this life has more to offer me than a steady paycheck. It means that if I let this momentum continue, I could start to be the person who is not afraid to be herself anymore, not afraid to show herself, not afraid to let people in (ok, still working on that) not afraid to look at what life really has to offer. I have been asleep for too long. It’s time to wake up. It’s time to yell in public, smile at strangers, be ok with my fat and my boobs and my hair and eat chocolate and indulge in the good things in life. I’m done focusing on the responsible thing, I want to start focusing on what makes me happy. Not just financially secure or safe, but truly happy in my soul and inner being. I want to change that stubborn part of my brain that thinks it needs a relationship to be truly whole. I want to be ok with being myself for a while. I want to live, dammit. I want to see the world, I want to experience everything life has to offer and I want to give something back to this world. I was meant for more than 9 to 5. I have so much to do and now I have the self permission to go start doing it.
It starts now, today. 12:01 AM. I am still here. The kid who wanted to be an animator, to work with dolphins and elephants and gorillas, to work at Disney World, to travel the world, to see animals in the wild, the kid who wanted moon shoes so she could feel like she was flying, the kid who yelled along with Pee Wee cause she was tired of quiet, the kid who saw herself in Kermit and Fozzie and Gonzo, the kid who learned what comedy was from Bugs Bunny and never stopped laughing. I’m still here. I just got lost for a while. But I’m back. Are you ready world?
