My Top 10 Pet Peeves in Massage Therapy

Like every job, massage therapy has its good points and its bad points.  It’s a wonderful way to make people feel better when they’re in pain, it’s a physical job that keeps me active, and sometimes you even get to meet interesting people when the odd client feels like striking up a conversation.  The good list goes on from there, but today I want to talk about some of the less than perfect things.  These are not complaints, but observations about the day to day occurrences in the world of massage therapy.  Sometimes they can really get to you, and other times you just have to laugh and go on with your day.  So here, now, are my Top Ten Pet Peeves as a Massage Therapist.

10- Are we there yet?

It’s almost inevitable.  You’ve started a wonderful massage, your client is most likely asleep, you have a good flow going, the lights are very low, and suddenly it hits you.  YOU’RE BORED.  You can’t talk or hum or go and do something interesting or even focus on something to ponder on in the room because it’s so dark.  All you can do is continue with your massage, which you can do with your eyes closed if you have to (we were trained that way).  You start to understand why the military punishes soldiers with solitary confinement, without even a rubix cube or magazine to pass the time sanely.  It’s unsettling sometimes to be in a dark room, doing a repetitive motion, not being able to make a sound, listening to music you’ve heard hundreds of times before, and having to deal with whatever thoughts pop into your mind at that moment.  If it’s funny, you can sometimes hurt yourself trying not to audibly laugh.  If it’s sad, you hope that your client is face down in case that stray tear should fall and they choose to open their eyes at that moment.  If it’s philosophical, then sometimes one internal question can be enough to keep your mind busy for the entire hour.  But sometimes… sometimes every second feels like a minute and every breath your client takes seems to last forever.  All you can do is wait it out.

9- I have been in this room for EVER

It doesn’t happen very often where I’m working now, but I used to have to do two hour massages more often and they were HELL.  I can’t explain why, but doing 3 one hour massages in a row is easier than doing a two hour long massage.  We therapists get used to a flow, a pattern, a certain schedule in massages and when you are suddenly asked to slow that down and double the length of the session, it drags and you get tired.  Throw in the aforementioned boredom factor and it feels like you’ve been working for days by the end of one of these bad boys.

8- If I hear that “Ohm” Lady ONE MORE TIME…

I like relaxing music.  I like New Age.  And I love classical.  In moderation.  I’m not one of those people that can tune out music until they can’t even hear it anymore.  If there’s music playing, I’m listening, often even studying it.  Hearing the same music every day, even if it’s on Shuffle can get exasperating sometimes.  To be fair, it doesn’t bother me as much now as it used to; perhaps I have learned to tune it out somewhat.  But then there’s always those few tracks that drive me bonkers for whatever reason and when they come on, I can suddenly focus on nothing else.  Suddenly I miss my days of working in the Disney Store…

7- Is it just me or is it hot in here?

It gets ridiculously hot in massage rooms.  In the winter it’s because the heat is on and being pumped into a room where it has nowhere to go.  In the summer, the AC can’t get into the rooms enough.  Add a near-boiling pot for hot stones, a table heater, and start actually doing the massage and it starts to feel like a sauna sometimes.  There are always the fans, but they can be pretty loud and annoying to clients.  If I start out a session without the fan on, turning it on during the massage makes the client doubly aware of the fan noise and they won’t fully relax.  Thank God for deodorant!

6- Stop moving and let me rub you!

“Helpers”: These are clients that feel like they need to help me do my massage.  When I tuck the sheet, they lift their leg, undoing what I just did and making it impossible to tuck the sheet. (You can’t tuck under something floating free in space).   When you massage their hands, they stick their fingers straight out, the opposite of being relaxed.  Another form of helpers are the people who think that every touch you make is a silent request for them to move a body part or do something for you.  When you start to gently move their arm, they whack you in the chest with it.  When you touch their neck, they fling it side to side or lift it up.  When someone is on my table, I don’t want them to do anything but relax and fall asleep.  If I need something, I will ask them.  I know the “helpers” are just trying to help, but it throws off my groove.  When someone won’t relax, it makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job.

5- Stop staring at me

Speaking of clients that won’t relax, every once in a while I’ll get a client that keeps their eyes open during the entire massage.  This drives me NUTS and it’s uber awkward.  If a client’s eyes are closed I can look at their face every once in a while to check if the pressure is ok by their expression or to see if they’re fully asleep.  When you look over and find that the client has their eyes wide open and are staring at the ceiling, or even worse, YOU, suddenly you’re wondering if they’re uncomfortable and why in God’s name they have to stare at you when you are rubbing them.  AWKWARD.  These people I just plain don’t understand.  If you’re that uncomfortable getting a massage, you shouldn’t be getting one.  If you are relaxed, then close your eyes.  Seriously.

4- Dude, you smell

Smelly people.  My least favorites are cigarette smoke and straight up B.O.  You are coming in to have someone massage 85% of your naked body.  TAKE A SHOWER AND LAY OFF THE CIGS.  You’re gross.  I don’t want to touch you, and I have to stop breathing when I get to your smoke filled hair or toxic feet.  ‘Nuff said.

3- Where’s the other half of my tip?

I will admit that before I became a massage therapist I never realized that people that normally get tips in their jobs are usually depending on them.  Now I know.  And now so do you.  The recommended tipping amounts are always posted.  Bad tippers never get the gold star for favorite client.  People who give no tip immediately go on the shit list.  Don’t let this be you.  “Tip well and often” is my newfound pearl of wisdom.

2- You made an appointment for a reason

Late people and no shows.  There’s no excuse.  I know people run late sometimes and that’s fine.  But to show up 10 or 15 minutes late for your appointment throws off my entire day sometimes.  If you’re that late, I usually don’t even want to work on you anymore, so sometimes it often affects what kind of massage you get. (Although I try not to let that happen)  And if you don’t even bother to show up or call, then there’s really no excuse.  You were called yesterday.  Now I don’t get paid and you don’t even care.  

1- Who do you think you are?

Nothing bothers me more than rude or bitchy clients.  There’s absolutely no reason for it, and I can usually tell that a person is going to be a problem after one sentence.  Maybe some people are rude to service personnel because it makes them feel superior.  Maybe they just feel like taking their miserableness out on someone else.  Maybe they’re just assholes.  None of these are good excuses.  I don’t want to work on you.  I don’t want to talk to you.  I don’t even want your money, but now that you’ve put me through that you’d better be ready to pay.  Nothing ruins my day like a bitchy client.

It probably sounds by now like I hate my job.  I don’t.  I love my coworkers and the job I do.  Every job has its downsides, and I try to laugh at it as much as possible. Yes, things will get to me every once in a while, but then a sweet client will come in or I’ll be able to help someone in pain and their thanks remind me of why I like my job.